mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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