9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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