cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
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he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
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I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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