I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
