so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
