You're earring is so big in my mouth
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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