dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
