i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's shark week go big or go home
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
