Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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