Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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