He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
