What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
