my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
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Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
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For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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