my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
