her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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