You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Houston, we have a blender
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
