Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
