ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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