I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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