hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
A+ Viking dick
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
