Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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