I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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