I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think a kid would responsible me up
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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