new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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