Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
