he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
