she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
