What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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