Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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