dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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