There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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