I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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