I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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