Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize