uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
