Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
