So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
