i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
