I haven't been this sober since birth.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
