im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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