So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
