I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
