Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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