Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
