Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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