Plan B is the new Plan A
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
