so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
