Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
