he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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