so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just want nice things and good sex
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
