Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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