I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
