No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
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the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
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How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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