She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
