Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
