I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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