I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
