Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
