Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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