i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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